Blood Valley : Seed's Revenge (2014)

A sequel to the 2007 Uwe Boll directed slasher, Blood Valley : Seeds Revenge (also known by the much better title Seed 2 : The New Breed) finds four girlfriends traveling through the desert after a debauchery filled bachelorette party. Their RV breaks down, like it should in all horror films, they run a foul of a the local law enforcement, and are attacked and dispensed with one by one by Seed and his demented family.

If that sounds like the plot of one of the Hills Have Eyes films, you would be right. It's almost exactly like a Hills Have Eyes film. In fact it would not surprise me if the script had been written that way and just retro fit to include Seed. Although why you would retro fit anything to add a sixth rate horror villain is beyond me. It also implies that there was a script - which I'm not really sure there was. I can pretty confidently say that if there was a script it wasn't in English and was mostly used to start a fire to roast marshmallows.

Blood Valley : Seeds Revenge starts out with one of the most reprehensible scenes I have ever seen. Do you remember in TCM 2 when Leatherface simulated fucking Caroline Williams with his chainsaw? It was odd - but TCM 2 was sort of a comedy, so you went with it. This film opens with Seed sticking a gun up star Christa Campbells vagina. He then proceeds to simulate fucking her with it until he himself cums. Then he licks the gun. It's not like this is something new, there is a very similar scene in Rob Zombies The Devils Rejects. Except that scene had some context, tension, and restraint, three things I don't think any of the filmmakers have ever heard of. In fact, just to get their tasteless point across, they show the scene in it's full entirety again later in the film. I guess Boll and director Marcel Walz think we are too stupid to remember what we saw 45 minutes ago. Or they are actually so proud of the scene they needed to show it twice. Or they needed to pad out the films sparse running time. I suspect it's a dash of all three.

The film only gets worse from there. It's cut out of sequence like it's fucking Pulp Fiction, but where as Tarantino did it becasue he was winding several interesting narratives together, Walz does it because it's the only way to hide all the stories inconsistencies and continuity problems. Also, I have a feeling someone watched this film linearly and their head exploded Scanners style. It's not artistic, it's doesn't add to the story, it's only function is to distract the viewer from the pile of shit they are watching.

Then there's the dialogue, which sounds like some German/American hybrid put through one of those devices that switch words around to Yoda-speak. Did anyone who speaks English take a minute and say, "I'm sure this is where the words go in German, but not in the language you are actually film in." I've seen Christa Campbell in other things, she can hold her own. She's certainly a good enough actress to be in this piece of trash. But her and the rest of the cast, which includes Caroline Williams for no reason other than to put Caroline Williams name on the DVD cover, is made to look ten times worse than they really are by the ridiculously shitty script.

Blood Valley :Seeds Revenge is one of the worst films I've seen in a long time...a long time. It's Hellraiser :Revelations bad. It's Wrong Turn 5 bad. Do yourself a favor and avoid the film at all costs when it hits DVD in October.

1/2 star out of *****

As always, thanks for reading and "enjoy every sandwich."

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