House Of Bad (2013)

When two and a half hot sisters (one is a half sister, not like half a person - only a torso or something, they share the same dad), steal a shitload of coke, or heroine, or meth,'s something white they are forced to hole up in their families abandoned house and wait for their fence. Fence in terms of drug buyer, not the thing that keeps dogs in, or Jehovahs Witnesses out. Ah, who am I kidding - nothing keeps Jehovahs Witnesses out. The house gives them more than they bargain for when it turns out to still be inhabited by the spirits of their dead mother and father - and those two are pissed at each other.

'House Of Bad' is just that - pretty damn bad. I respect any film maker, actor or actress (are they still called actresses? Can someone get me that memo) for having the balls and the ability to actually get things made. Please don;t misunderstand me, but this film is simply a mess.

Teig, the butch one, Sirih the stripper and Lily the drug addict, manage to somehow steal a briefcase full of drugs from a guy named Tommy Lee (no joke - and it's not that Tommy Lee either). Teig is the ring leader and brains behind the operation despite being a candidate for the short bus. They steal the drugs and are forced to wait two weeks in this abandoned house until their fence arrives. Then she includes a current drug user (Lily) in on the scheme. Hmmm...we're holding a briefcase full of drugs. Let's put it right next to the sister still coming down from her last high. What could go wrong? Everything. Oh and lets not lock the briefcase giving her easy access. Why couldn't they wait to steal the drugs - Tommy Lee (sigh) had plenty more as we learn later. There really was no rush. And why include the drug addict half sister, especially since the other two sister clearly don;t like her in the first place. No justifiable reason is given for including her.

After a few days in the house the fathers spirit begins to posses Teig. Which makes sense. They were close. He was hard on her, but they had a connection. Then in a move that defies all common logic, Lily gets possessed by the mother of the other two girls. Why? They have no connection - except that the mother was pissed when the father told her about his child out of wedlock. Which ultimately led to him letting her die during child birth. This is okay - except you have a perfectly acceptable substitute for this logical reach. The other damn sister. It's not rocket science.

Lets do a mini Flipping The Script here. Instead of having Sirih be tho one who steals the drugs. Make it Lily. She's the one who would bed a drug dealer quicker than Sirih would. They even mention that in the script. Will Lily be able to execute her part of the plan? Or will she fall prey to the drugs? That's called building tension. Lily secures the drugs in a narrow escape. Before rendezvousing at the house, Lily takes one last hit. Once at the house she starts coming down. She starts seeing ghosts. Is she really seeing things or is it just a symptom of the withdrawals. 'Evil Dead 3013' used the is same plot device. It worked wonderfully. Steal it. Use it here. As each parent begins to posses a daughter, Teig her father and Sirih her mother. It's left up to Lily to figure out what is real and what is imagined. Each sister pulling her into their web of deceit in order to destroy the other. The drugs become secondary in the way between two dead parents and their living daughters. See, it's that simple - 10 minutes for me to write that. Plot holes gone. Tension found.

There are many other problems with the film other than it just not really making any sense. Obvious writing cues are missed. For example at the end (or what should be the end of the film - sadly there is another 5 minute after this) ("Spoilers" - Thanks River) Sirih shoots Teig after not being able to do it before. Teig challenges her on this. Sirih shoots her, then delivers a punchline. The problem is - the line needs to be before she pulls the trigger, not after. The shocking moment is her pulling the trigger. After it's done the line is useless. Sorry if this is getting too, I don't know, smart.

I usually use this section to find some good things to say about the film. Let's see...the actress who played Sirih (Sadie Katz) has a hell of a sexy stomach. And boy did director Jim Towns know it. Not one time in the whose film is it actually covered up unless she is under a blanket sleeping. There are at least 4 gratuitous close up shots of her stomach. It's the highlight of the film.

'House Of Bad' is slow, plodding, mess of a film. Like watching a drunken jam band who just doesn't know when the song should end. Look for it on DVD December 3rd. Pick it up if you want to see a great looking stomach and little else.

* star out of *****

Thanks for reading and "enjoy every sandwich."

1 comment: