12/12/12 (2013)

Films where some woman gives birth to the child of the Devil never really made much sense to me. Why the hell would the Devil do that to himself. There are plenty of grownups who would be a lot more helpful in your quest for world domination than a new born. Religiously, you can always fall back on the "God did it" angle, but how well did that turn out for him? That's not to discount the quality of certain films with that theme, certainly 'Rosemarys Baby' and 'The Omen' are all time great films. Of course, neither of those films are produced by The Asylum.

Ahh, the Asylum, the geniuses behind such films as 'Jack The Giant Killer,' 'The Terminators,' and 'Rise of The Zombies' (review here). Of course they are also responsible for the genius that is 'Sharknado' so maybe this won't be too bad. At first I thought that this might be some sort of rip off of the Darren Lynn Bousman film 11/11/11 (review here). But then I thought : "Why? That movie was terrible." Then I realized that the Asylum had already ripped off 11/11/11 with the ingeniously titled 11/11/11 (no that's not a misprint). No, this title is a complete original, unless you consider that it rips off every other killer baby and religious cult movie - ever. But, is it any good? Short answer? No. Long answer? Hell no.

After some weird cult sacrifices a topless woman to the Devil, Veronica and Carlos Delgado are at the hospital for the birth of their first child. Sadly, this is not the same Carlos Delgado who played first base for the Blue Jays and the Mets for many years. That would have at least been interesting. Veronica is having trouble delivering the child. Her cervix is just not dilating. To illustrate the point we get closeups of a very fake looking vagina trying to expunge said child. That's the type of film we have here. There is a long extended fight over natural birth versus C-section. I flip on the Mets game.

If you've seen 'It's Alive' you can pretty much figure the first act out. Kid is born, doctors get killed, Veronica coddles baby with the carnage all around her. The next day she's already been released from the hospital and lost all the baby weight - good for her, no one likes a fatty. The cult leader guy from the teaser shows up and tries to take the baby. He's thwarted but not before the worlds fastest arriving detective shows up. People around Veronica and her baby start to die, Carlos included. Finally child services shows up and takes the baby. The child services officer gets killed driving away. The baby sits out all night waiting for someone to discover it. You would have thunk the cult leader guy would be all over that, but sadly no.

Veronica goes to live with her sister, but they kind of hate each other. The next day rapid detective guy returns the kid to her for some reason. Of course the sister gets killed. Veronica gets captured by the teaser cult. She's tortured for some reason. Actually, the reason is to pad out the running time so the detectives could arrive. Lots of stupid killing...and the baby winds up killing Veronica and a priest, it's stupid.

'12/12/12' is ridiculously bad. Almost so bad it's good. The film actually has some silly camp value. The "killer demon baby" is the worst looking thing I may have ever seen. It literally kills people by having them hold it against their necks. Laughable...The acting on a whole is terrible. The lead actress (Sara Malakul Lane) is hot as hell and probably deserves to be in better than this pile of crap. But she is the exception.

If you are in the mood to punish yourself, or really drunk and need a laugh, then you should fire up 12/12/12. If none of the above describes you, then you should watch any of the other thousands of titles on Netflix that are infinitely better.

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