Hemlock Grove S:1 E:13 "Birth"

This is the end. My only friend...the end....

Last Time On Hemlock Grove : Chausser is finally killed off and no one cares. Novelist girl cops to being the werewolf. Peter pays "The Price" one episode too late.

This Time On Hemlock Grove : Six Months ago novelist girl and Peter bond. He tells her to "be all she can be," "keep her head in the game," "live your life," "slap it, flip it rub it down (Oh No!)" and any other high school related after school special cliches he can thing of. She fucks him with her 14 year old eyes. I throw up in my mouth for the entire length of the : OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE!

Back to present time as Novelist Wolf attacks Letha, Roman and Peter. Letha continues to scream like an idiot. Roman attacks the direwolf with his Battle Axe. The wolf easily overcomes him. So much for that. She pounces on him, takes sufficient enough time snarling, allowing Peter to change in to Grey Wind, er, Peter Wolf. Sadly J. Geils was not present (look it up kids). Sadly, Novelist Girls wolf was not his "Centerfold" nor did the battle happen in a "Freeze Frame" because she kicks the shit out of Peter pretty quickly, I guess "Love Stinks." With Petie vanquished she turns her attention back to Roman and Letha. Shelly shows up out of nowhere, does her best Carl Lewis, catches the wolf and snaps her neck. Sheriff Fatboy shoots Shelly through the back of the chest...twice. The second causes the stuffing to fall out of her stomach. She runs off. Roman chases her. We are meant to believe that the Sheriff missed the whole wolf battle thing and thought Shelly was the killer. However to believe that is the case would also force you to disbelieve all we know about the relationship between space and time. But physics be damned that's what the show is going with. Sheriff heads off with naked human novelist  girl. Letha cuddles dying wolf Peter.

Norman, Letha, Roman and Olivia all plot to keep the secret a secret independent of each other, One would question the wisdom of trusting such a sordid tale to the tight lips of teenagers, but then again the show just broke all laws of physics, so...it is what it is. At the Novelist girls funeral Letha shows up to seem normal She leaves in the middle, which seems extremely abnormal. Norman is apparently so hard up for clients that he hits up the Sheriff for business at the funeral. Show some tact man!

Peter takes Roman to Destiny to look for Shelly. I don't think she's there, but Lily Taylor is! I only mention this becasue it's the most exciting thing to happen in these five minutes. Destiny has no idea where Shelly is.

Dr. Price, Some Old Guy, Norman and Olivia sign some paperwork. Everyone seems pretty happy with themselves. Norman and Olivia leave. Norman promises to leave his wife.

But first it's baby having time! Letha, who has gone from not pregnant at all two episode ago to ready to burst halfway through this one, has decided it's time to give birth. She's rather giddy about it too. Everyone (Peter and Roman) rush to the delivery room. Dr. Price is the OBGYN? That just doesn't seem right. Letha of course dies during pregnancy. She has an embolism pop in her brain, which seems to happen in 2 out of every three childbirths according to Hollywood. This one may be one of the worst "post birth deaths" I've seen. When your delivery room death has less gravity than Jersey Girl, you have a problem.

Norman want's Price to save Letha. Price tells him that she's too old. Yoda once thought the same about Luke Skywalker as well. He offers to bring the baby back instead. He tells him to go fuck himself.

Time gets weird again as it appears as though its winter now, I think? Lily Taylor and Peter are packing up their shit, but he's still pretty fucked up over his dead girlfriend. He decides the best course of action is cut his hair...okay? Roman comes by looking for him, but only finds his hair in the sink...gross. He breaks down. Norman actually does leave his wife. He gets the Volvo. She gets the house. Fair enough. After dinner, Olivia sends Norman to bed. Roman sits in an empty pool. His mother invites him to his birthday celebration.

Up in Shellys old room Olivia has taken the painstaking task of setting up a shitload of candles and a crib. She then waxes poetic about the old country where at 14 she was whisked away by a common gypsy. Just like the way Lady Cybill fell for Tom Branson the chauffer. Except instead of fleeing to Ireland, the gypsy stole all her shit, impregnated her and left her to die. Girl Olivia apparently also had a tale - directly ripping off an X-Files episode. Sadly Olivias story as not nearly as entertaining as Eddie Van Blundhts. She ripped off her tail. Wonderful.

So it seems that Roman is the father of Lethas' baby. He raped her (that's two) using the minds eye trick thing to convince her it was an angel. Olivia somehow got possession of Lethas (dead?) child and want's Roman to kill it. Roman instead tries to kill himself. It doesn't work. He then pulls a Darth Vader and turns on his mother. He bites her throat - so they were vampires or dragons. How droll. She's proud of him. Then he kills her by making out with her and biting out her tongue.

This is really the end of the season. The last five minutes of the episode feel like a tacked on begging for a second season. As if everyone involved said "Let's just throw a bunch of shit out there and hope Netflix likes it enough to give us more cash for a second season." Season 2 begging begins with:

Dr. Price gladly accepting Olivias the body. Sheriff guy builds a bomb. The priest talks to Chaussers brother into going to the Grove to take out Roman. Peter and Lily Taylor are driving and see Shelly. Bald Pete sees her as young dream Shelly. They keep on driving. Can't even help a sister out? Back at the institute, we get a look behind Dr. Prices not so secret door. I guess Aura Boras is all about growing pasty white dudes, or dude in this case. We get the very expected "shocking eye opening" and ... end episode. End show. End Series?

This episode felt like a rip of off five or six different X-Files episodes. I mean talk about just throwing shit against a wall and hoping it sticks. Vampires? Aura Boros. Norman finally leaves his wife and you do nothing with it. Olivia got the baby? Sheriff builds a bomb? Chaussers brother? Petes shaved head? All that was missing from this crap fest was some more faux lesbianism. Although we did get Roman making out with his mom and fucking his cousin.

That's it for Hemlock Grove episode by episode. It's been a fun journey. Thanks for taking it with me.

As always, thanks for reading. "Enjoy every sandwich."

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