Hemlock Grove S:1 E:9 "Peter's Heirarchy Of Shit He Can't Live Without"

Last Time On Hemlock Grove : Roman crashes his car and enters the Lament Configuration. not really, but he is in a coma where fucked up shit happens. Norman and Olivia confess their (obvious) love for each other, causing Norman some consternation - which will be completely forgotten in this episode.

This Time On Hemlock Grove : Roman is still in his Dr. Price induced coma. Olivia chants some gibberish at him. Shelly looks concerned. Elsewhere Peter is banging Letha. Actually the pan down the hallway takes about 20 minutes. Clearly Peters trailer contains a door to Narnia or something. This scene serves no purpose but to show Peters ass. So if your twelve there's that. Then he tells a story about killing a fairy. Not, not as in a hate crime, but an actual Tinkerbell fairy. Here's your protagonist folks your pregnant girl fucking, fairy killing protagonist. Mixed messages lead us to...OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE NAP TIME!

With the most interesting thing in the show so far (Romans dreams) being completely ignores this week we get to spend a lot of time with the rest of our completely unlikable cast. Mainly, this is a Dr. Chausser episode. Which, depending on your tolerance for bullshit and nonsense, determines whether you will think it's a good thing or not. I think you know where I stand by now.

Chausser is a fucking wreck. She is convinced that Peter is not the wolf. But priest guy keeps telling her he is. She has a deep crisis of faith, the kind that can only be solved by drinking heavily by a magically refilling bottle of fake Jack Daniels. Drunkenly staring at some pictures she decides to go visit Destiny, Peters slutty psychic cousin. They have some boring conversation before Destiny lick her finger and shoves it down Chaussers pants. Yup it's about as stupid as it sounds. We get some flashback shit with the priest shown here too, but it doesn't really mean anything. Peter eventually shows up at Chaussers shitty hotel room and begs her not to let anything happen to Letha since it's a full moon and all.

This is after he stops by Romans bedside to scream at Letha about not going out after dark, but not explicitly telling her that a wolf will eat her. She doesn't understand, but she also thinks an angel visited her in the night and impregnated her, so consider who your dealing with.

Letha's mother found her diary or phone or something and learned about her fucking Peter. She's outraged. She turns to a now returning Norman (Remember that thing last episode where he couldn't go home because of his guilt? - Well forget it.) to put a stop to these teenage shenanigans. Norman tries best he can, but knows he's the biggest hypocrite in the world for doing so. In the end Peter ends up coming over for dinner. Mom gets pissed and storms off. Norman gets Peter drunk. Good parenting there Norm.

Bad parenting continues after Peter gets the shit kicked out of him at school for some reason. Seriously, we are 9 episodes in and how many months into the show storyline wise and he finally has some problems at school. It's not because he did anything either. Some random kids just come up and kick the shit out of him becasue he's the new guy? IT MAKES NO SENSE! Especially after Peter has aligned himself to the richest kid in school and is clearly fucking the hot (albeit pregnant) blond chick. So Peter gets the shit beat out of him, Olivia picks up him and Letha at school and drives them back to the trailer. Peter and Letha run off to his room and Lily Taylor and Olivia fire up a great big joint. Really?

SIDEBAR: Okay, I know I've been doing these way too often but I need to address this because it's happened more in this episode than in any other. Eli Roth's Hostel (which I love) is set up as a string of shocking moments strung together by a decent narrative. Essentially that's what the film is - a string of increasingly shocking moments. This episode does the same thing, but the shocking things (or attempts at shocking) make no sense and are not in the least bit shocking. They serve absolutely no purpose in the story and do nothing to advance it towards any sort of logical conclusion. Why show Peters ass in the opening teaser, other than to get some 12 year old girl to blush? Why have Chausser and Destiny fuck, other than to throw in some pseudo-lesbianism to excite any 14 year old that hasn't heard of Pornhub. Why have Lily Taylor and Olivia fire up a joint other than to, I don't know, just to have some weed on set. Shocks can work if they change the direction of the narrative, or help advance the story. Here they are simply used to generate a cheap pop from a prepubescent audience. Rant over.

Also this week: Novelist girl returns. Remember her? She was last seen clawing at some dudes face? She's in an institution. Norman relays that the her and the boy she clawed are "Cool." Good, I was worried. The twins stopped by. The ugly one cried. They tried to be nice to her. It seemed pretty disingenuous, so it will probably go nowhere.

The clerk from the store stopped by to see Shelly. They hug. Next week they will probably fuck for no reason other than someone in the writing room started a sentence with "Wouldn't it be fucked up if..."

That's it for me. Until Next time. Thanks for reading. "Enjoy Every Sandwich."

Keep Reading - Episode 10!