Hemlock Grove S:1 E:7 "Measure Of Disorder"

Last Time On "Hemlock Grove": Olivia coughs up flesh. Shaggy and Scooby investigate the haunted mill. Novelist Girl's date goes very badly. And who stills goes to the library?

This Time On "Hemlock Grove": We start (as all teasers seem to start) with some Shelly back story. The good news is, I guess, if you onlywant Shelly's story, then you only need to watch the teaser (lucky you). At Shelly's funeral, Normans brother asks him to start counseling Olivia. Norman protests knowing it's a bad idea. But he concedes because if there's one thing we've learned about Norman - he's a pussy...and he hates yellow paint. That whole thing leads us to the Dexter/Masters Of  Horror Opening Credit Sequence! Sadly, this show will not be as good as either one of those.

There is some major distention in the ranks of Miami Metro as Crockett is pretty much finished with Tubbs, or rather Peter is still pissed at Roman for leaving him at the abandoned mill and making him walk 5 whole miles home. Seriously? Dude's a gypsy and a werewolf, 5 miles should be nothing. Roman want's to make nice but Peter is playing hard to get. Roman, being the stable person he his threatens to kill Peter if he (Peter) fucks his (Romans) cousin (Letha).

Speaking of Letha, she's become a regular Nancy Drew herself. Snooping and prodding around her fathers office until she manages to find Norman's brother's suicide note. Which she promptly reads, steals and gives to Peter on the school bus. Wait, I thought Letha had a car? A blue Toyota electric deally? She was driving it when she went to Peters house a couple episodes ago. But continuity is not the series strong suit so I guess we'll just roll with it.

As for the note you ask? Well turns out Normans brother knew all about the affair and had some words of warning for his bro. Mostly they were: "I know you're fucking her. Enjoy it now. Last laughs on you. She's a crazy bitch and will kill you." Norman waxes nostalgic about the beginning of the affair and how much of a dick he is to his wife. This includes a slide show on his lap top with pictures of his little toddler Letha, his lovely wife and her smart phone. Wait. What? Yup. Letha is maybe 3 in the pics, but her Mom has the latest Droid phone...13 years ago. This is some wacky time traveling town! Seriously, more LAZY BULLSHIT! Is anyone paying attention? I think you, me, the Pennsylvania washroom and the Samsung Galaxy 3 from 1999 know the answer to that.

Speaking of 1999, Peter and Letha begin to reenact an episode of The OC from that very year. Peter plays the part of the flirty guy who gets the girl back to his place but then gets all emo because he thinks the stand up, good guy thing to do would be to not fuck her. Letha is the pregnant slut who wants to get it on, long and hard. She uses all her wily charms, which is really nothing more than asking about her hideous shirt, but then again she is a 17 year old pregnant virgin, so her game probably isn't as refined as a semester at Sarah Lawrence would make it.

Roman on the other hand is dealing with the Peters rejection in the most logical way possible - by standing in his bathroom and doing line after line of coke. Don't these kids ever study? Not happy with the cocaine high, Roman decides to step things up a notch and take the razor blade to his face. The blood starts to flow when the doorbell rings. It's our favorite wolf slayer Dr. Chausser. She has some rather pointed questions for Roman. He resists at first, but after a couple of minutes succumbs to her weird colored eyes and starts whining like a baby. Luckily, Olivia arrives and saves us from watching a grown man blubber. Roman gets a call from Norman looking for Letha. He knows exactly where she is.

Letha finally breaks Peter and gets him to drop his pants. They get it on. Where the hell is this kids mom? Outside, in the driving rain, Roman watches the whole thing go down. Angry (of course) he heads over to the maybe Native American, maybe Asian chick who wanted to dance with him a few episodes back house (how is that for a terrible sentence?). Her parents are also no where to be found as Roman turns all crazy again and rapes her (maybe in the butt, it was hard to tell). He uses the staring eyes power thing to convince her none of this happened. I think her asshole might disagree in the morning.

SIDEBAR: More fucking laziness. Roman cuts himself on the cheek with a razor not an hour before the raping. Yet, but the time he gets to confusing ethnic girls house...NO CUT...you have to be kidding me. I can make an exception for the band aid (which her was wearing) falling off. That was a pretty heavy Hollywood rain storm. But to have the cut just totally disappear. I'm calling bullshit. Not only that, I was going to let it pass but my bloods all angered right now...the huge fucking cut on his chest from a couple episodes ago seems to come and go as well. We get some scenes where he's heavily bandages and then some scenes where he's wearing a wife beater so see through you can see his nipples, but there are no bandages visible through the shirt. Again pure laziness...

Moving on...Shelly (get the Frankenstein reference...she's been rebuilt after dying? Amateur hour here folks) took the bus into town to buy those earrings the clerk showed her. Olivia is mortified by both the bus and the earrings. Roman sticks up for her. When Olivia tries to shut him down, he makes the startling revelation that his father left the whole company to him. What? On his 18th birthday he inherits the whole fucking thing. Where to start here...first of all estate planning 101. If you are the millionaire head of a huge corporation you never leave the entire inheritance, the money, business, the real estate to one person. You set it up in a trust managed by many people. The trust managers along with someone from the bank or investment company (usually a combination of both) will deem when a person is set to receive any sort of inheritance. Second, you never, ever leave it all to an 18 year old. Sure the conservatorship could dole out funds when necessary, but never all at once. So either this is just writing laziness again or...Romans father was the dumbest man on the planet. Either way Roman now has this to hold over his mother.

Who by the way comes crawling on her hands and knees to Lily Taylor for more of her funny eye drops. Lily charges her 5000 a bottle, Olivia is shocked but agrees. Then she eats a shitload of raw meat - showing us once again that she's some sort of werewolf.

If you didn't get that from that scene or the scene an episode before where she coughed up raw meat  in the teaser. Then the scene where Dr. Chausser finds the rest of the body at the mill right next to a size 10 Manolo Blahnick should do it for you.

That's it for me this episode. Sorry, but it's just so stupid. I will continue to watch and review simply for the train wreck possibilities, but I've pretty much given up hope of this thing turning around. It's not that the story is bad. It's just that it's lazy, and that's worse. I can deal with bad if they try, but bad because of lack of effort is unacceptable.

As always, thanks for reading. "Enjoy every sandwich."

Keep Reading - Episode 8!


  1. I think your hitting dead on but it's still entertaining to watch I think Romans obsession with his cousin is the key to this whole series especially since they are making it seems like she's the modern day Mary being a virgin get pregnant but your reviews make it hilarious and I thought I was the only one who noticed the cell phones and the cuts that are healed so quickly

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  3. This show rules.

    1. Eli Roth....? Is that you, you silly goose?

    2. I mean that's the whole point though, surely you get that. It's all just a blatant mockery, I mean fuck, Mr Roth is even credited: that's what's so refreshing about it.

  4. You're more angry about a continuity error in filming than the rape? You even seem to think it's funny. Whatever.

    1. Rape is never funny and should never be treated as such. This show uses rape as a plot device (twice) neither of which has any negative consequences. That is far more offensive than a couple jokes about cell phones from 1999.

  5. "Quid pro quo"
    I don't speak Spanish.
    I think I finally got this series.It's an update of The Munsters.