Blood Night : The Legend Of Mary Hatchet (2009)

For the second time in two weeks we are faced with some annoying nomenclature issues. You may recall that last week I reviewed Madison County, Eric England's 80's throwback that had some good some bad but one very annoying feature : I couldn't stop singing Bruce Springsteen's "Darlington County" throughout the film. Fast forward to yesterday. Here we have Blood Night: The Legend Of Mary Hatchet, which sound like they producers just couldn't decide on a name and married two together. Either one would have been fine. The Legend of Mary Hatchet would have sufficed, but what the hell do I know? I do know that I couldn't stop whistling Molly Hatchets' "Flirtin' With Disaster" the whole fucking time. It's not that Mary Hatchet is a bad name for an 80's inspired local legend, but come on...Molly...Mary? You're right, I need to stop listening to music.

Nomenclature annoyance aside, there is an actual film to talk about.We harken back to a bygone time when men were men, fuck it, it's 1979. Adolescent Mary has a pretty good family. Then she gets her period and kills them all. Clearly insane, she gets dumped into a mental institution. Fast forward to 1989 - Warrant was king and Mary is getting raped by an Orca fat security guard. Something sticks (it's semen), and she winds up pregnant. Nine months later she gives birth to a baby(generally that's how that works I believe). She's told it's stillborn. I have my doubts. Mary recovers and decides that a killing spree might be in order. She dispatches everyone in the institution but runs into a couple of cops as she tries to leave. Thinking it would be bad to let her go, they shoot her - a great number of times.

It's now 20 years later (2009 to be exact) and Blood Night a it's come to be known has grown into a thing in this town. Kind of a cross between Halloween and prom night with very little parental supervision. Seriously, other than Graveyard Gus (Bill Moseley) there isn't an adult in the whole damn film. Alex and his posse decide to visit good old Marys grave and fuck around a bit. They light a shitload of candles (that's a fire hazard) and Alex whips out...a Ouija board (perverts). They go about trying to summon the ghost of Mary. They may or may not have been successful. Graveyard Gus shows up to tell a long meandering scary story and the kids decide they've heard enough.

Back at someones house, I'm not sure, the kids keep coming and going, the party really gets started. That is after they can figure out how to make a Margarita. One of the latecomers shows up with her childhood best friend, Alissa (Danielle Harris) who none of the kids have ever met or heard of before despite being of the same age. Alissa tells another long meandering story about being gang raped in a shower - but not really it's all just a set up for a lame joke. Typical fake high school partying ensues. Everyone gets wasted and starts fucking - all except for Alissa who disappears to the bathroom. Hmm...I wonder why. Then people start to die. Graveyard Gus shows up at a high school party for some reason. After learning about all the death he decides to drag the living kids to the asylum where Marys kid is buried. But guess what? Yup - you win! No kid in the box ("It's just my kid in a box now baby. Hanukkah - Kid in a box. Kwanza - Kid in a Box"). They venture inside to try to figure shit out. Hell, I could have helped them out an hour ago. Saved us all a lot of time. You know the deal. Alyssa is Marys kid - she gets her period - bloodbath ensues (pun intended).

I know what your thinking (no I'm not psychic - thanks for asking though!) "This movie must have sucked." Not so fast there sunshine. It's not a good film, but there is some pretty good shit here. The gore is over the top fantastic. There are some legitimately funny jokes. I think I had three laugh out loud moments - and not stupid laughs, clever laughs. It's always good to see Bill Moseley in films. He should have at least a cameo in every film ever made. I don't care if he just walks on, looks right at the camera and says "Hi. I'm Bill Moseley" and walks off. And of course there is the lovely Danielle Harris. Playing a teenage axe murderer well into her 30's. There is nothing wrong with that, I'm the same age as Danielle and I act like a teenager most of the time. Plus she's wearing a plaid skirt...a short plaid skirt. Did I mention she's quite lovely?

Blood Night : The Legend Of Mary Hatchet (The film so nice they named it twice) is a fun throwback film. It's not ground breaking, but there are a lot worse ways to spend and hour and 25 minutes.

**1/2 stars out of *****

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