The Dead Want Women (2012)

Charles Band, while by no means an A-lister in the horror community, has been able to carve out a neat little niche for himself. The man behind not only the Puppet Master franchise but also the first two Trancers films will always have a small place in the hearts of all genre film fans. That's why it makes it so painful to watch a "film" like 'The Dead Want Women'.

Back in the roaring 20's, silent film star Rose Pettigrew is the queen of the world. She lives in a lavish mansion, throws decadent parties and has her own entourage made up of other silent film stars (including a pathetic Eric Roberts). It's during one of these parties, complete with a lesbian orgy, that Rose learns the studio has started testing "talkies." Based on audience response, the studio has decided to cancel Roses contract. Rose flips out and shoots everyone. Out of bullets, she stumbles outside to the pool area and slits her own throat. Parties over I guess.

Eighty years later two real estate chicks have sold the house to an anonymous buyer who only communicates via letter. They arrange a meeting with the buyer, but he stands them up. They decide the best way to deal with the situation is to drink an entire bottle of wine. While passed out, ghosts of the silent stars show up and start harassing them. Turns out one of the ghosts is their mystery buyer. Yup, it's just as dumb as it sounds. Eventually they end up chained up in the basement to wait for the demonic return of Rose. One of the girls winds up stabbed, the other is covered in smoke and "escapes". She drives off into the moonlight looking slightly more evil, or constipated, I'm not sure.

Motherfucker is 'The Dead Want Women' an atrocious film. It's essentially 45 minutes of material padded out to 75. Every single fucking shot is held way past it's breaking point simply to add to the length of the film. There is nothing artistic about it, it's amateur hour and Band should know better. To make matters worse, the first 20 minutes of the film are summarized rather nicely by one of the real estate chicks later, essentially rendering that part of the film useless. Unless you are one of the three people in the world who aren't aware of the billions of hardcore porn sites on the interwebs and find the faux lesbian scenes sexy or titillating.

Speaking of sexy, if you like a speck of intelligence in you women please overt your eyes from these two idiot realtors. First, they list a property they've never even seen. How do you establish market value? I've seen enough episodes of "Million Dollar Listing" to know this is a terrible idea. Second, their buyer is an anonymous guy who only communicates via hand written letter? Who falls for this shit? If they are that gullible, I know a Nigerian prince who is looking to move funds to an American bank. All he needs is a 4000 dollar "transfer fee" sent to him via postal money order.

This is writing and film making at it's absolute laziness. The actress playing Rose has nothing wrong with her voice. There is really no reason for her to be fired. It's a simple fix - have the actress talk weird, but that would mean someone would have to give a shit.

Logically, how does a ghost send a letter? Does he go to the post office for stamps? Envelopes? Fuck it. It makes my brain hurt too much. It makes me sad too. I said it earlier, but Charles Band is a man with a reputation, and a fairly decent one at that. He is better than this.

'The Dead Want Women' is a pathetic embarrassment of a film made by folks who should know better. It's redundant, boring, poorly acted and poorly directed. I am struggling to find even one redeeming quality to the film. I guess the one lesbian chick had some nice boobs. Which reminds me - why did she remain unharmed while all the other dead folks had to wear those K-Mart Halloween masks? Stop! My brain can't take any more. Do not watch this film, i beg of you. Do anything else. Make some soup. Read a book. Write your own screenplay - it can't be any worse than 'The Dead Want Women'.

0 stars out of *****

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