Cockneys Vs. Zombies (2012)




I do not claim to be an expert in British cinema. Hell, I had to watch 'Snatch' with the subtitles on because I couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on. That being said, I do consider myself rather well versed in both horror and comedy films. So you can trust me when I tell you 'Cockneys Vs. Zombies' is a fucking hilarious film..

One of the unwritten rules of movie criticdom is that you must compare all Zombie/Comedies to 'Shaun Of the Dead' (these rules also include: referring to Brad Pitt as "Mr. Jolie" and pretending you are too cool for school by stating that 'Return of The Living Dead' is funnier than 'Shaun of The Dead' - it's not, just to clear that up). So here we go, is 'Cockneys Vs. Zombies' as funny as 'Shaun'? In a word - no...but - and that's a big BUT...it's pretty damn close.

Andy and Terry Macguire ind themselves in a 'Goonies'-esque predicament. If they don't raise a shit load of cash - and quickly, their grandads nursing home will be bought by some rich real estate developers, presumably to be turned into a golf course by Troys asshole dad. Losing the home would force grandad and his elderly friends to be forced "up north" and nobody wants that. Without a "One-Eyed Willy" type treasure to go after the Macguire boys do the next best thing - they decide to rob a bank. Recruiting some questionable characters and their totally gorgeous cousin Katy (Michelle Ryan), it doesn't take long for the actual robbery to devolve into a 'Heat' level disaster. After the cops show up, essentially thwarting their escape, they decide to regroup back inside the bank. Lucky for them, while they argue and capitulate, they miss the Zombie Apocalypse.

Meanwhile, over at grandads old folks home, it's life as usual, until the undead start showing up. Luckily for these geezers, these are the Romero shambling type of zombies and not, say the lightning quick zombies of '28 Days Later'. Grandad and his cohorts hold off the invaders until Andy, Terry and the gang show up with a Double Decker bus and a huge cache of weapons. Outfitting themselves like a geriatric Wild Bunch, they mow down a plethora of undead until they get to the docks and their freedom.

'Cockneys Vs. Zombies' is a hell of fun ride. It's fast paced, it's funny, there's a hell of a lot of killing. It's not scary in the least bit, but it's not supposed to be. 'Shaun' wasn't scary. 'Zombieland' wasn't scary. It's a comedy film. A comedy that just happens to have copious amounts of undead walking the streets hunting the living. It's not a perfect film, the second act drags a bit and the stuff with the old folks is funnier than the stuff with the kids. Sidebar :  How long before we get an entire film of elderly fighting the undead? Somebody should get to work on that. That being said though, there some awesomely "cheeky" (that's British right?) performances. I already mentioned Michelle Ryan, who, just based on seeing her in this, should be in every film - ever. The great Alan Ford as Grandad single handedly steals the film. He's joined by miss Pussy Galore herself, Honor Blackman as part of the group of elderly zombie fighters. Together they are a huge reason why the scenes featuring the old folks are so damn entertaining.

It's funny, like I said you have to compare 'Cockneys Vs. Zombies' to 'Shaun Of The Dead' it's in the handbook. But a better comparison would be to a film like 'Snatch' or 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'. All this film needed was a Vinnie Jones cameo to make the film complete. But Vinnie Jones or not, 'Cockneys Vs. Zombies' is a hilarious little film that everyone needs to hunt down and watch.

**** out of *****

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