Wrong Turn 5 (2012)

Yup, we're on to number 5 in the 'Wrong Turn' cannon. Seems like just yesterday Eliza Dushku was trapped up in a tower with Desmond Harrington while a group of inbred hicks was trying to burn the tower down. In the time that has passed, Harrington has moved on to 'Dexter' while Dushku has moved on to Rick Fox, breaking a bunch of little nerd hearts in the Wheedenverse in the process. The franchise has moved on as well, the latest installment is light years away from the original film, hell, it's miles away from Henry Rollins running around the forest on the set of 'Ultimate Survivor: Apocalypse' in 'Wrong Turn 2'.

We do start out in familiar territory though, the back woods of West Virginia during something called "Mountain Fest," a fake movie created answer to 'Bonaroo' or some other hippie waste of time. Naturally, we meet a group of college kids who plan on attending the festival and getting really fucked up. Typical horror movie death fodder stereotypes apply. Piling into the car, it's specially noted how much illegal contraband they have on them. Gee, I wonder if this will play a role later? On their way into town an old guy jumps out in the road in front of them, they wreck and hit a tree. With the car totaled, they decide attend to the old guy they may or may not have run over. Turns out it was all a ruse (I'm just as surprised as you are!) as the old man slices one of the kids in the arms. The manly men of the group proceed to kick the shit out of the guy for a long time....a really long time until the sheriff happens to show up. Good thing she just happened to be driving along that road at that time...as the Church Lady would say "How Convenient."

The kids with the drugs are arrested. The old guy is arrested. In the bushes our three inbred antagonists (protagonists?) are watching. The old guy (Doug Bradley) is really Maynard, a serial killer on the run who has taken to the backwoods to escape the authorities. He has taken the murderous hicks under his wing, calling them "his boys" as they reek havoc amongst the isolated West Virginia country side.Once back at the station, the Sheriff (Camilla Arfwedson) lets all but one kid (the patsy) and Maynard go. Maynard begins making threats regarding his boys and how everyone will wind up dead. His boys manage to knock out both the phone system and the power (they certainly are clever), leaving the town isolated. One by one the group of kids wanders into the deserted town each getting dispensed of in various hideous ways until they are all are dead and the inbred group moves on.

By this time in the series you know what you are going to get from these films. They become pretty paint by number. Thin story, cool kills, that's petty much it. No exception here. The kills are pretty damn gory an innovative. The story though, Jesus, you almost wish they has saved a little on karo syrup and paid someone to work on the script, if there even was a script. It's mind numbingly dumb. Questions like: If all the power is out in the town, how is the music festival still going on? Or, there is no way every single person in the town went to the festival. Seriously there isn't one other person on main street in this town - ever! That kind of shit makes my brain hurt. Rather letting a story flow organically, and I don't know, having it make some semblance of sense, 'Wrong Turn 5' is just a series of convoluted plot points manipulated to set up kills. I wonder why they even try to set up a story at all. Why not just have a cool bunch of kills spliced together? That's essentially what this film is anyway?

Fun Fact about 'Wrong Turn 5': did you know that there are two cast members from 'Game of Thrones' in the cast? Yeah, I was just as surprised as you are. The 'main girl', if you can call her that in this film, is played by Roxanne McKee, who played one of the Khaleesis main hand maidens, Doreah, in several episodes over the first two seasons. Also in one of the most bizarre pseudo-cameos I've ever seen, Sir Loras Tyrell himself, Finn Jones shows up as the only person in America listening to a shortwave radio. I have no idea why Jones is in the film, the actor or the character, as the character really serves no other function than to have the viewer say "Look it's the Knight of the Flowers!" Director Declan O'Brien must have some really incriminating information about Mr. Jones.

The rest of the cast is o.k., even if they can't quite figure out an American accent. But all they really are here are cannon fodder for the freaks. That being said, Doug Bradley is awesome in the film. It's his performance that elevates the film above low level straight to DVD fare. He seems to be having more fun than he's had with a role, probably since 'Hellraiser III'. It really gives him a chance to show that he can really act, not just "be Pinhead."

Other than for Bradley performance though, it's really hard to find another reason to watch the film. The script is awful. The inbred hicks look like someone stuck Halloween masks on them and stick the eye holes to their cheeks - especially three finger. So check it out for Bradley and some cool kills, but if you miss it, don't worry, you'll survive.


  1. As a random note, they did actually explain how the festival still had power. There's one random scene where the sheriff mentions the festival having its own generator. Must be a lot of generators...lol

    1. I must have missed that, but by that time my brain started to hurt. Great review by the way.