The Cavern (2005)




A couple of days ago I posted a review a movie called 'Devour.' It is by far, one of the worst films I've ever seen. Bad writing, bad acting, bad directing, 'Devour' completes the trifecta of shit. I was sure that you couldn't get any lower on the ladder of shit. Then I let Misses Joshua convince me to watch 'The Cavern,' and I realized you can go a lot further down the shit ladder...a lot further.

8 "cavers" gather in the wilderness of Kazakhstan to go spelunking in an uncharted cave. No one knows they are there because "secrets travel fast in the caving community." Um, o.k. I guess that's a thing. No one is supposed to know anything about this cave, except of course the two Russian guides accompanying them. Gathering up around a computer generated fire, we get to learn more about the cavers, and immediately wish we didn't.  Yup, CGI fire, and that's the best thing about the scene. It's 15 minutes long and the damn camera doesn't sit still for 2 seconds. It just moves around in a slow circle...for 15 minutes!

None of these characters are likeable in the least. The Russian guides are the least reprehensible people in the group, and that's probable because they speak English. After revealing an idiotic, unbelievable subplot surrounding one of the characters letting another caver die, its bed time, but not before one of the characters (it really doesn't matter who, they all are terrible) performs verbal fellatio on the cave. Seriously, you can see his crotch get tighter when he talks about caving. Speaking of fellatio and tight crotches, two characters sneak off to fuck in one of the caves, because, well why the hell not?

The next morning everyone starts the journey. It's dark, and for the next hour you literally cannot see anything. I understand the budgetary constraints on small films, but when your only light sources are the small lights on the top of the cavers helmets, it does not make for a good viewing experience. Add to that the directors love of "shaky cam" and the film is barely watchable at all. Then there's the screaming, lots and lots of screaming. I would venture to say that 90% of the dialogue in the cave is nothing but yelling. Wonderful, single word yelling.

Not surprisingly, the cavers begin to get killed. The deaths are predictable and boring, and only bring solace in the fact that each death brings us closer to the end of the film. So who is the purveyor of all this wanton violence? A supernatural being? A rabid wild animal? A subterranean death cult? Nope, just some plane crash survivor who kills and eats folks. Oh, and rapes them...he rapes them too. In fact the film ends mid-rape. Yup, mid rape. Chew on that for a while.

'The Cavern' is just awful. It's literally unwatchable. It's the type of film that can both give hope to, and make up and coming film makers want to kill themselves. Somehow this piece of shit got made while your masterpiece is sitting on your hard drive somewhere. Sad thing is, the director, Olatunde Osunsanmi, was even permitted to make another film, the mildly interesting Milla Jovavich vehicle 'The Fourth Kind.' I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

Please, for your own health - do not watch this film...

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