Devour (2005)

Sometimes bad movies are so bad they are good. Then there are other times where you get 'Devour,' a movie so implausible and ridiculous that it's clear the filmmakers made a deal with Satan himself (or herself, in this films case) in order to get it made. In fact, calling 'Devour' a disaster would be an insult to disasters everywhere. So where do we start?

Mr. Supernatural himself, Jensen Ackles stars as Jake Gray, adopted son of wheelchair bound Kathy and, well here is the thing, even IMDB can't get the cast members right as they have the name of his father wrong. His dad in this film is played by is real life dad, so there is that. Gray, despite looking like Jensen Ackles, possessing a hell of a fastball and having women (Dominique Swain and Shannon Sossamon) falling over each other to bang him, is miserable. He has a best friend, closeted racist Conrad, who feels the need to attack the only black dude in the film every chance he gets. Jake takes Conrads gun away before he can do some real damage and throws it in a conveniently placed misty pond. Despite Conrad not being the most stable of persons, Jake gladly accepts his odd gift of an online role playing game that will "take over his life." Did you ever see the David Fincher/Michael Douglas film "The Game"? Well the writers did too, because they use the next 30 minutes attempting to rip it off as much as humanly possible.

Unbelievably, the game (called "The Pathway") begins to intercede in Jakes life. Rather than ask his friend what the fuck is going on. Jake starts to brood around, wandering around town. Eventually, folks start to drop dead around him. That doesn't stop Jake from starting to bang his new girlfriend Marisol (Sossamon). Jake starts looking into the "game" (finally) and discovers that the game was created by Satan to find "her" son, stolen from her on the birthing table. Jake is that stolen hell spawn. Wait? What? Don't worry it gets worse. Turns out Jakes new girl is his "devil mom." Or is she? The last scene tells us the energy we wasted watching this may have been for naught. He may have made the whole thing up. Joy.

As inane as the story is, perhaps some good acting and slick direction could at least make the film something interesting to watch, right? Absolutely not. I have no idea how good an actor Jensen Ackles is in 'Supernatural'. I've never seen the show (there are only so many hours in a day folks), but he is just god awful here. Playing a troubled twenty-ish kid apparently means mumbling your lines and pouting for 90 minutes. It's like watching "Twilight" only with less shininess. Sossaman and Swain, who at one point were actors people had heard of, are equally as boring. The other "name" advertised for the film, the great William Sadler, is clearly slumming it here. His appearance literally consists of his answering the door. 2 minutes later, bye bye Bill.

There are no highlights. Bad writing, bad acting, bad directing - it's the triumvirate of crap. The "on-line" game is not really a game, it's a glorified screen saver. The devil is just a guy in a black rubber suit. Jensen Ackles is a sad robot in flesh colored rubber suit. I cannot stress enough how much of a mess this is.

Please do yourself a favor and avoid this film at all costs.

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