The River : Episode 5 - Peaches




We pick up 22 days into the search for Dr. Emmett Cole with some back story about Lena and her cameraman father Russ. Most disturbingly we learn that he called her Peaches. Perhaps he wished she would someday become a stripper or a c-level adult film star. We also get more accordion (Yay!). Accordion being the manliest instrument her father could find for her. This is supposed to make us feel sympathy for him?

Jonas meanwhile, suddenly remembers a lot about where Dr. Cole was headed. He drops "the source" on us a few times times just to feed the nonsense. Tess quickly plots out a course deeper into the jungle. Various exposition interviews follow. This is just getting awful, you can tell a characters back story in other, more effective ways than having a character look at the camera and talk about themselves. Most of the talk centers around Lena's father. We get it, the episode is going to be about him. As they do these interviews, the boat is moving verrrrry slooowwwlly. Apparently, we're in a hurry, but not that much of a hurry.

It's very foggy tonight on the Amazon. Tess asks if people could help out keeping a watch for dangerous things. Despite what this group has been through they still feel the need to bitch about helping out insuring their safety. Linc spots a rock, which Tess deftly avoids. She's not so deft at avoiding the ship coming straight for them however. The Magus runs aground, breaking it's fuel line and the other ship disappears. I don't mean speeds of, the ship totally disappears, like the Millennium Falcon in a sea of Imperial Cruisers.

With the ship stuck, the crew takes turns calling for mayday...for 12 hours. This is the best plan they could come up with? Lena takes this time to wallow in missing her dad some more. Finally Linc has had enough with this idiotic plan. He wants to hike blindly into the forest (no wonder they didn't want him as captain) when (aha!) the distress call is answered by the passing Exodus. Their crew boards and they make nicey nice, and by nicey nice I mean getting drunk and having dinner. The Exodus crew is nice enough however, to disclose some nefarious plans for the Magus crew just as Kurt is passing one of the cameras.

Jonas meanwhile, has been using Lenas sudden sensitivity to try and worm his way into her panties. Lincs a bit jealous and by a bit, I mean a lot. Jonas decides to end this unwanted third wheel situation and get Linc out of the picture. He convinces Lena to sneak on to the Exodus with him for some deserted boat hanky panky.

Speaking of some hanky panky, one of the crew members of the Exodus steals away from the main group and finds Daughter who can't speak English. They flirt with each other, I don't know dude, bad stuff happens when this girl is around, we're talking serious drama. But in the pursuit of just trying to get laid, he doesn't care. He invites her back to his cabin to, and I quote, "smoke weed." She's not adverse to the situation, until her father shows up and totally cock blocks the dude.

Back on the Exodus, Lena and Jonas discover something isn't copacetic about the ship. Kurt is discovering the same thing back on the Magus. He approaches the captain about their real plans. They get physical and Kurt shoots the guy. But it turns out he's undead. He attacks Kurt and it does not go well for our mysterious German friend.

Jonas and Lena search the Exodus. They hear a mysterious sound. It's coming from behind a locked door. I check the DVR to see if I am watching the first episode again. I am not. Which means five episodes in and they are all ready recycling plot devices. This time the locked door hides Lena's father (you knew he'd show up, she's been all emo over him since this episode started). He begs her to leave, but she's too busy crying to listen.

Turns out the Exodus is a ghost ship. None of the crew can leave unless they are replaced by a new crew member. Hence their efforts to get the members of the Magus aboard. Kurt, Lena, Jonas, and Tess are all on the Exodus. Having the numbers they need, the Exodus sails away.

Linc senses strange things are afoot, so he sounds the alarm to Clark and well, that's about it. Problem is they have no way of knowing where the Exodus is. Luckily (Aha!) Daughter who doesn't speak English but understands it, just happens to be walking past the control room on the Magus when Lena sends out a distress message telling their precise coordinates. So off they go.

Meanwhile on the Exodus, Kurt, Lena, Jonas and Tess are locked in the room they found Lena's dad in, but Kurt is able to break them out. And just in time too, apparently if they are still on the ship when the sun comes up they will be the Exodus' new crew. But Linc gets there just in time to rescue them (of course) and set the boat on fire. Lena beckons her father to come but it turns out he is really dead and one of the crew (Twist!). Lena cries some more and the Exodus sails off into Davy Jones locker or something.

God this show is a mess. I could spend hours pointing out plot holes in this episode alone. Why does the ship move at a crawl? If the Exodus has no radio equipment how did it answer the Magus mayday? I could go on, but there are other problems to point out. Like what is the point of this show? How does the ghost ship figure into the "source" mythology? What about the two native tribes that don't want them there? Did they just give up?

Every episode is like the Brady Bunch of horror. There is a conflict, the characters solve it and we move on to next week. There is no overriding story arc. Say what you will about the Walking Dead, but the story has an arc, it has a purpose. There is nothing going on here that carries over from episode to episode. One episode seems to have no effect on the next.

The other problem here is with the way characters are treated. At no time during this series has there been any fear that any of the characters could die. Not that we care about them anyway. It's a group of people that are just unlikable.

Drinking Game: Take a shot every time Joe Anderson forgets he's supposed to be American and his British accent comes through....Yup that's what this show has come to to keep it interesting.


Until next time....thanks for reading.

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