The River: Season 1 Episode 4



Previously on The River...read about it here.


This week we pick up in flashback mode. Dr. Emmit Cole is still aboard the Magus and its rainy. The ship has been over grown with vines. Time to choppy choppy the weeds. Cole thinks they are ready to go, but the vines he just chopped away have already grown back. Mysterious.

Fast forward to day 15 of the search. The group is buying food. We learn that locals don't like being filmed. Tess and Kurt discuss not having any leads. People are getting frustrated. Kurt decides they should go south. They are going to go into "uncharted territory." They bemoan the fact that there is no leader but follow him anyway. Tess says something stupid about male and female dynamics. Clark tries to stir some shit up with lots of questions about who is going to be the captain. Dinner Time! Linc decides it would be a good time to bust out an acoustic guitar. Wait...an acoustic guitar...on a trip into the uncharted Amazon...ugh. Then he starts to sing. Lena has an accordion? You must be joking. That's the scariest thing I've seen on the show so far.

Why is Clark being filmed? Isn't he just the producer? Anyway, everyone seems happy until (Aha!) the daughter who can't speak English even though her father speaks it perfectly, spots a body in a tree. It's one of Dr. Coles cameramen. Good thing they headed south! He's just hanging there, but wait he's not dead! Kurt shoots him out of the tree. Dr. Linc shows up and takes control. Turns out his name is Jonas Beckett. He's a young daredevil camera man type. We see his audition tape. He's a dude and I mean a duuude. He's been a lot of places and had a lot of injuries. Tess wonders why we've never heard of him before. I wonder the same. Clark makes up a lame excuse, Tess doesn't buy it. I don't either. But wait! (Aha!) Tess finds his cell phone which he's been using to track his GPS movements! How convenient.

Linc thinks he's saved him. Kurt thinks he can make some medicine to save him. Linc thinks its unnecessary, Kurt wins. Lena calls for mayday. Linc cuts himself. Time for Linc and Lena exposition. Lena feels bad for hiring Jonas. Daughter who doesn't speak English even though her father does, seems upset. Isn't she always upset? Clark, mean while has decided it would be good to look at some of the tapes with Jonas in them.

Flashback time. Jonas sees an elder funeral, tries to film it. Dr. Cole gets pissed. He takes the camera but Jonas films the funeral with his cell phone. Clark speculates that the tribe must have done something to Jonas.

Tess and Linc can't decide what to do. Turn back or go forward. Tess decides its better to save Jonas. Dead birds begin raining down on the ship. No one knows what's going on. But Lena (Aha!) figures out there is a massive storm coming. Daughter who doesn't speak English even though her father does, is still upset and thinks something else may be a foot. Clark questions the daughter. She says keeping Jonas on board is bad mojo.

Jonas is watching footage in the editing bay. He steals a tape. Apparently he feels good enough to walk around. Linc and Jonas have a moment. Linc starts asking questions. Jonas plays coy. He feels sometimes its o.k. to lie. He then lies to Linc about what happened. Linc buys it, even though Jonas just told him he was going to lie to him. Jonas goes up on deck. Apparently him and Lena were getting frisky. Linc is not cool with this. Jonas spins another tale for the crew. They don't quite buy it but who cares because a storm is coming. Everyone just stands and watches it start. God these people are stupid.

Apparently this storm is not just rain, but giant bugs as well. Clark starts more shit about Jonas. They begin to question the daughter who doesn't speak English (again). Jonas, o.d.s on quinine . It's probably Kurt's fault. Tess and Clark get into it over Jonas. She finally decides to check his cell phone. Outside, the bugs are bad. Inside, Linc picks a card from creepy daughter that tells a fortune. He picks the hanging man card three times.

Clark and Tess watch Jonas cell phone tape. Apparently Kurt knows all about the hanging man. He's a guy that stole front he dead and is condemned to be neither alive or dead forever. A noose appears on the ship. The natives want him back. Creepy daughter says Jonas stole a soul. Clark figures out he at least stole a tape. So he'll start there. Jonas gives up the tape after very little prodding. On the tape Dr. Cole leaves Jonas to hanging to die.

The storm is getting worse, Kurt wants to throw Jonas back overboard. Joe Anderson (Linc) has his British accent reappear when he gets excited, yet again. They debate on whether to throw Jonas overboard. Jonas gives a lot of info in a short period of time looking to save his neck. But apparently it's not enough as Tess still wants him thrown overboard. Linc disagrees. Kurt tries to take Jonas. Linc takes his gun. It goes off in a fight. Jonas decides to hand himself again to save everyone, but the vine breaks and the storm stops. The next day people nurse their wounds and whatever. Clark offers Jonas a job, Jonas tells him to fuck off. But rather quickly changes his mind. Linc keeps watching the Jonas tape. He discovers a message from his dad (aha!). He confesses that he feels bad about leaving Jonas behind. Tess is all broken up by the tape. End show.

So what happened this week? Nothing that hasn't happened in the previous weeks. Too many Aha! moments. Another episode where there is an angry tribe looking to exact revenge, but in reality none is taken. We get a new character stuffed into a show where there are already too many characters. And Joe Anderson not being able to hide his English accent at high drama points of the show. Just a frighteningly bad show this week. You cannot build a narrative around shit just happening at random. It's so stupid. Until next week, try to avoid The River. Seriously, don't wade in it, don't fish in it, don't swim in it, and dear god please don't watch it!

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