Lets Talk about Sex

It’s no secret that I spend a lot of time in the grocery store, Hanaford in particular, if you must know. While there, I’ve noticed a troubling trend. According to the experts at both Cosmo and Marie Claire, no one has had satisfying sex – ever. So here are a few of the universal truths surrounding sex:

For the ladies:

Your man masturbates, whether he admits it or not, he does. In all likelihood he’s just finished doing it, or doing it right now, or thinking about doing it again. It’s just a fact of life, deal with it.

He’s probably thought about at least one of your friends (probably more) naked, at least once.

As much as he wants you to think he’s the “nice guy” who’s different, he does want to get you and another girl naked at the same time. He wants you two to start touching each other amongst other things. He wants to join in. He also knows deep down that you’ll both probably wind up disappointed.


For the guys:

Your lady is freakier than you think. For example, while you’re wondering if you should slap her ass, she’s wondering “why this pussy won’t slap my ass.” Smack that ass, believe me, she’ll like it.

Your lady masturbates, it’s a fact. Maybe not as much as you do, but enough that people have become millionaires manufacturing and selling vibrators. In fact 80 percent of the sex toy industry is based around the fact that your chick masturbates.

She wishes you dick was bigger. Not that it’s too small per say, but she’s wondered “What would it be like if it were an inch or two bigger, or even better, thicker.” It’s enough to send her reaching for that big purple vibrator you don’t know about. Even for those lucky enough to have been blessed with an extra large cock, she’s still wondering what it would be like if it were 9 inches instead of 8.

She talks about your sex life with other people. She talks about it with her friends. She talks about it with her co-workers. And yes she probably even talks about it with her family. That could lead to some interesting holiday family conversation. “Please pass the green beans, and be a little gentler biting my daughters nipples, she couldn’t wear a bra for two days last time.”

For couples:

Push the envelope. Now I’m not saying go from missionary with the lights off to ball gags and donkey punches over night, but there is a happy medium. Be imaginative. Guys. If you’ve thought of bending your lady over the table, bend your lady over the table. Ladies if you wanna get freaky with your man in the hot tub in Atlantic City, get freaky with him in the hot tub in Atlantic City god damnit!

Need ideas? I’m told by friends that there are endless web pages of professionals who actually get paid to have sex on film. Now if you have a cough and couldn’t shake it you would go see a professional, a doctor right? Why shouldn’t the same principals apply to sex. If your sex life is as boring as the book hour on CSPAN, then why not consult a professional?

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